SCP #106: The Bite Of Your Love
A proper update on this project is well overdue. I think I have quite seriously contemplated giving up every day for the past couple of weeks. I've been trying to put my finger on what the real issue is, and it seems to be a number of things compounding. The most perplexing problem seems to be a loss of confidence in myself. I have managed to make over 100 pieces of music in as many days, and many of them I'm really proud of, yet I have lost faith in my ability to continue. What if I've exhausted all I had in me? What if I've just proved my mediocrity 100 times over? What if I just repeat the same ideas for the next 100 and become a broken record? These fears are ridiculous, but I'm finding it hard to switch them off.
I have applied for quite a few awards and other professional things recently and been unsuccessful, which is partly fuelling my anxiety. Of course I always intend to have no expectations on the outcome of awards, grants and festival applications, but then the shortlist or winners are announced and I can't help but compare myself unfavourably to those who were successful. Growing a thicker skin is something I'm actively working on, but it's going to take some effort.
The other thing that has been really bothering me is a sense of not fitting in anywhere artistically. This is something I've been struggling with since the release of my album last year, and the deeper I go into this project the more confused I become. In a way this project is helpful, as it becomes the thread that ties my work together, and hopefully by the end of it I'll have a clearer idea of where I want to take my art next.
The final issue I've identified has been managing both my time and income as a freelance musician. It has been difficult the past few months, and has made me sit down and quite seriously consider my plans for the rest of the year. Freelance life is tough, and it is definitely worth exploring in another post, but for now I shall bid you good night and let you listen to the last week's worth of songs. This one continues the spider theme and the minor 9th / semitone motif of Sider-Work. I was working on getting the loop layers quite concise in the performance, but it just ended up being kind of frantic.